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Monday, December 1st, 2008

Dream: Nyquil is a Right Wing Mind Control Drug.

Nyquil is a Right Wing Mind Control Drug
Proof that lefty's can make up conspiracy theories too

The Backstory
I've been trying to shake a nasty cold for the past week or so. Evidently, last week's whiskey-fueled recording odyssey was less than beneficial to Johnny's health. So when I woke up last night (early this morning) at 4AM, with a congested head that felt like someone had secretly pumped it full of Aunt Jemima Syurp while I was sleeping, I shuffled into my kitchen, opened up the refrigerator, pulled out the bottle of Nyquil and GUZZLED several shots worth of the vile green liquid... hoping to trade one syrup for another.

Why do I put my Nyquil in my refrigerator? Because I have a mistaken belief that if it's cold, it will make me gag less... Don't judge. On my way back to collapsing in bed, I remember thinking "I never liked Jägermeister".
The Dream
Fast forward to 10AM this morning when I, with one cracked eyelid, groggily lifted my overslept and hallucinating head from a spittle-bedecked pillow. I was shaken out of my stupor by a deeply troubling vision...

I had a heart-warming dream that starred none other than Newt Gringrich. Yes. THAT Newt Gingrich -- intellectual architect of the right wing in the United States.

In the dream I was a young kid of 12 or 13, hanging out over at "Uncle Newt's house" on a Sunday afternoon. He was outside painting a large picture... diligently working on an oil painting. You know, an oil painting. Art.

In the dream he was self effacing, humble, gracious and ridiculously kind... doling out helpful bits of life affirming wisdom for me, a young man who was growing up fast in this crazy world. He clearly had been working for weeks on this painting... I don't recall what the subject of the painting was. I watched him work. We talked. We laughed. It was like a Rockwell painting of a Rockwell painting -- splashes of warm light -- a reassuring and safe American story.

At the end of the dream, Newt began wrapping up the painting in brown butcher paper -- it was finished! Newt turned to me there in the late afternoon twilight, the autumn trees leafless and silhouetted by a burnished orange sky, and said, "Here. I made this for you."

Newt Gingrich made a painting for me ?!!! What a nice guy! I awoke feeling an overwhelming sense of gratitude and indebtedness to this kind man, Newt Gingrich, this humble giant of a father figure. Ahem.

The Right Wing Pharmaceutical Plot
See, Nyquil (a product aimed at relieving symptoms of the common cold) is owned by Vicks Company which is owned by Proctor & Gamble. Lou Pritchett, a 36 year company veteran who retired as a Vice President from P&G, is known for his extreme right views. In fact he penned a letter to Obama recently excoriating him for allegedly wanting to "silence the Becks, Hannity's and O'Reilly's".

[I could go on. I could provide more incontrovertible proof that would clearly illustrate that Proctor and Gamble is just a massive front for a vicious, fascist, right wing power play. But that would require more selective Google'ing than I have time for. Besides, I don't want the facts to get in the way of my point. -- Author]

Now then, is it any wonder that I would have a heart-warming dream about Newt Fucking Gingrich while passed out in a Nyquil haze? Call me crazy, but I think Proctor & Gamble is practicing Politics Through Pharmaceuticals (PTP). These guys have perfected marketing long ago... It's no longer a challenge to just get us motivated to buy soap and toothpaste and cough syrup. No... that's too easy. I think they've set their sites on a much more sinister strategy.

Do you really think my Newt Gingrich dream is some coincidence? C'mon... Wake up!

I wouldn't be surprised if each of P&G's products contained a secret brain washing chemical that made the user, over time, think warm thoughts about some conservative, right wing leader:

Nyquil® cough syrup -- Newt Gingrich
Always® feminine hygiene products -- Rush Limbaugh
Bounty® paper towels -- William Bennett
Charmin® bathroom tissue and moist towelettes -- Benito Mussolini
Crest® toothpaste -- Oliver North
Dawn® dishwashing detergent -- William F. Buckley
Downy® fabric softener -- Dick Cheney
Duracell® batteries and flashlights -- William Kristol
Folgers® coffee -- Donald Rumsfeld
Smuckers® jams and jellies -- George Bush
Gillette® razors -- Adolph Hitler
Head & Shoulders® shampoo -- Ronald Reagan
Iams® dog and cat foods -- Bill O'Reilly
Nice n Easy® hair color product -- Glenn Beck
Olay® skin care products -- Ann Coulter
Pampers® disposable diapers -- Carl Rove
Pantene® haircare products -- Sean Hannity
Pringles® potato chips -- David Frum
Tide® laundry detergent -- Paul Wolfowitz
Wella® hair care products -- Imelda Marcos

You've Been Warned
Go ahead. Call me a conspiracy theorist. I don't care. But if I were you, I'd start paying *a little* more attention to those conciliatory thoughts you've been having about Sarah Palin. P&G is softening us up for 2016.

Posted By John Common at: 12:12 am 1 Comment

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Monday, December 1st, 2008

Dream: Nyquil is a Right Wing Mind Control Drug.

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